About Alexander~ RSD
Who Are You, Self-Esteem versus Ego, Nature and Nurture, and the Strength of your Reality.
What the fuck does it say on your ID?
Who you are is a combination of ‘what you are’ and ‘what you do.’
This entire blog is geared towards developing natural game and natural attraction. So, in order to find out who you are, it is important to find out who you naturally are; then, you can be naturally attractive.
Let’s think of how a woman naturally is, back in the caveman days: skinny and naked.
Men are instantly and naturally attracted to this woman, because it is her aesthetic, physical traits that inspires attraction within them. Whereas, on the other side of the coin, a man who is a natural, fully ‘manned up’ and not being a pussy, will behave in masculine ways that will ultimate attract women. To behave 100% in congruence with the man you are is to be attractive, and, consequently, to behave incongruently with your natural masculinity is to be unattractive.
When you are in line with your natural masculine self, you will be attractive to women just because you are there, in much the same way that a woman will be naturally attractive just because she is there. (Remembering that you both need to be attractive and the facilitator of escalation in order to ultimately get the girl.)
Guys who are unnatural, and not behaving in congruence with who they are, do so because of social conditioning. To overcome this requires self-actualisation, and that is the purpose of this article.
But, firstly, you must know that to try and “learn” how to be a natural is to deny that you are already one in the first place.
Every guy has a natural man buried inside of him. To unearth this, though, is a deductive and simplification process, as opposed to a progression or an accumulation of skills. When you are thinking about coming into alignment with ‘who you are,’ naturally, remember that it is always a matter of stripping elements away from your personality, instead of looking for something new or looking for the “missing piece.”
To be un-naturally ‘who you are’ is not who you are at all, but rather some form of physically, surgically or psychologically altered version of yourself.
It is the false self.
When I refer to ‘who you are,’ I refer to the accumulation of ‘what you are,’ your personality, your identity, your character, your traits, your sense of self, your ego, your reality, your image and your persona. On closer inspection all these tags are different names of the same thing, though some are more accurate than others.
In short, who you are is comprised on two levels. One is the solid physical foundation of ‘what you are,’ and the other is merely an expression of that foundation, manifested by ‘what you do.’
This model accounts for who you are.
I have researched this model in field with hundreds of men; in myself, my students, in guys like Tim, Tyler, Jeffy, Papa, Derrick, Abercrombie, Pimpski, Nathan, Ozzie, Ryan and Saad, and in other natural guys I grew up with, who are also very good with women.
Why is it important to know who you are?
Because, if you don’t, you will never behave in the ways that are natural and congruent, and hence, you will not be naturally and truly attractive.
When I talk about behaviour, I mean the actions that you take; some are conscious, whilst others are not. A lot of the time when guys are learning how to pick up, there is incongruence with what they are thinking and what they are actually doing. For example, a lot of my students approach girls and get a conversation started because the girls instantly sense that he is cool at his core (his natural self), and because he took the action of approaching her. But, as the set goes on, sometimes the students regress into socially conditioned behaviours that are a force of habit, and are ultimately incongruent with their natural selves.
These bad habits come from social conditioning.
If you are unstifled, an alpha guy, a natural or have contextual confidence, your behaviours will be coming from the right place, and there would be no reason for you to compromise your natural intentions. But, if you are stifled and socially conditioned, like the vast majority of the world, your behaviours will come through a false-self filter, causing your behaviours to seem forced, defensive, or cautionary.
This is to behave unnaturally and is unattractive.
If your behaviours are unnatural, you will be incongruent with your desires as a man, and you will constantly question who you are. If a girl is more assured of who she is, than you are assured of who you are, you will react to her, be of lower value, and will not be inspirer of emotions.
You will not lead the girl; rather, she will lead you.
This is bad natural game.
However, if you do know who you are, inside and out, you will never flinch and react to the girl, you will never lose state and will always have core confidence. If you are a good source of state for the girl, you will have her seeking value, and reacting to you. You will be considered higher value than the girls, because you know who you are more than they know who they are, and will be naturally attractive to every girl that you meet. Often times, they will feel attraction for you before you even approach.
Like I said, and it’s important that I repeat this, most guys do give off an initally attractive vibe, because they are, in actuality, COOL GUYS! But, when they get into set they pretend to be something different that what they naturally are, causing them to fuck things up for themselves. This occurs because they are under the misguided illusion that socially conditioned bad habits are what they are supposed to do.
But, first of all, how did I figure out, verify and find evidence to support your understanding of who you naturally are? Or, more accurately, WHAT you naturally are?
So far, I can think of six ways to figure out what a man naturally is.
To find a natural guy, you need to find situations where men are not stifled by social conditioning, which suppresses their natural traits, and makes beta males out of cool guys.
In situations where social conditioning doesn’t exist, the suppression of the alpha traits ceases and they naturally, without thought, express themselves through the vehicle that is your behaviour.
Your behavioural traits make you attractive or unattractive to those around you.
Identify the which behaviours are natural, and understand that deliberately implementing them and living in congruence with them, is the key to knowing what you are, who you are and, ultimately, being very attractive. Knowing what you are and who you are is the first step to conquering natural game.
The verifications of your natural self are :
1. The way a man is when he interacts with women of another language. All social conditioning goes out the window because the binding rules of social conditioning no longer exist without the medium of language in which it can be communicated. In these cross cultural scenarios, people communicate to each other naturally, and attraction and game becomes easier because you’re not caught up in socially conditioned standards or limitations.
2. The way a guy behaves when he is in “nimbus” state. Nimbus is a term that, whilst not being scientific, is widely accepted as the definition of someone with so much state that he doesn’t have the time to think, and is running on pure emotions; in other words, he is devastatingly present. Without being in a logical, cognitive headspace, he is
unstifled, and his natural, attractive behaviours rise up out of him. When in the grip of nimbus, he automatically behaves in ways that are naturally attractive to women
3. Behavioural commonalities between alpha males from different cultures all around the world. Social conditioning does exist in extremely varying forms in cultures all around the world, butt, the alpha-beta dichotomy is the same. In any culture, the alpha males attract all the girls, while they suppress the alpha traits of all the other males, rendering them beta. While traveling in Australia, Hawaii, South East Asia, China, North America, Canada, Scandinavia, Great Brittan and Western Europe, I have seen that all alpha males have similar behavioural traits that are attractive to women. This is true, as well, for each subculture and different social circles in all of the above listed contexts. All alpha males across the globe have distinct commonalities in the way that they behave. These behaviours are congruent with masculinity and naturally attract women.
4. The way someone behaves before they are socially conditioned, that is, when they are extremely primitive or when they were very young. The behaviours that young children exhibit, before they become conscious enough to be socially conditioned, are all the behaviours that are naturally attractive to women. It is not until they get older that they begin to be disciplined into the frame of social conditioning that suppresses their attractive natural alpha behaviours. The fact that all young boys have the behavioural traits that are attractive to girls is evidence enough that anyone can be attractive to women and get very god at pick up. The behavioural traits are inside you, they are just suppressed.
5. The way a guy behaves when he is ‘buzzed drunk,’ or ‘tipsy.’ You have had just enough alcohol to chemically unstifled your social inhibitions, and nullify the limiting beliefs that usually restrain you from acting on your natural instincts. Alcohol is in inhibitionary drug that slows your cognitive mind, allowing your emotional mind to again dictate your behaviours. These behaviours are instinctive and natural. Alcohol has been a major social lubricant for millions of years, because it inspires attractive behaviours, and, as such, is the common variable in almost every pick up in this day and age.
6. What behaviours do all the Real Social Dynamics instructors have in common although they are phenomenally different people? If you can answer this question you quite simply solve the (natural) game. Tim is a carefree early-twenties Australian DJ, Tyler is a late-twenties philosophical research genius nerd (the term is used affectionately in this context and to highlight contrasts), Jeffy is an early thirties writer, who is a gang-bangin’, booze swillin’, bad ass mother fucker and Ozzie is a late thirties Hispanic man of passion, style, energy and minimalism. They are all extremely different people, but they have some common traits and behaviours that inspire devastating attraction in women.
Basically, all the things listed above point to the traits that define you naturally as a man. The only reason why you wouldn’t behave like the man you naturally are is if you are socially conditioned. When you are socially conditioned, your natural behaviours as a man are suppressed, and the behaviours you do express through the filter of chode ego are not attractive.
What are the common behavioural traits all men exhibit in their natural state?
By nature, as a man, you are:
3. A man of action.
To live in alignment with these traits is to be your natural self, and to man up; not to live in alignment with your natural self is to suppress your natural self and have a chode ego.
There are other traits like eating, sleeping, and breathing, but the traits listed are the behavioural traits specific to alpha guys in their natural state, and specifically pertain to men.
Why are these three core traits attractive?
Being present and having presence.
When you have presence, everything you “do” just flows and works. It’s called being outside your head. When you are not present, you are inside your head and everything is forced, calculated and socially clumsy. To be present is to have self trust and act ‘smooth.’
This is attractive.
This is the same as being in state, being ‘on,’ or in the zone. The only reason why you wouldn’t be in state is if you were dedicating your faculties (your cognitive RAM) to things other than in the here and now. Basically, you are firing on less than all cylinders.
Presence, most importantly, is about being in a headspace where you don’t second guess yourself and don’t calculate your actions. You behave without hesitation and with conviction. It’s the way you behave as a man that determines whether girls will or will not be attracted to you.
Social conditioning is always stifling your ability to be present. But, once you get into the right headspace, and are ‘in state,’ you act fearlessly, because the fear itself doesn’t have the time to register or taint and compromise your natural behaviour.
When you are present you are completely outside you head and you are not dedicating your headspace to supporting a chode ego of any sort. Because your actions are not being filtered through your chode ego, you behave with 100% authenticity, and in alignment with who you are, naturally, as a man.
The result is that you seen as naturally attractive.
You will tap into your blueprint and know exactly what to do. Like the shaking of a magic eight ball, the right thing to say or do will rise up and present itself to your consciousness, when and only when you need it.
That’s why when you go in set and you are totally present, or ‘on,’ you will be naturally inclined to move things forward, which helps the pickup. Also, when you are in a natural headspace, you will be inclined to instinctively call out people who say silly things and tease them playfully. When you are in a natural headspace the exposure of the girl to a full range of emotions will take care of itself.
When you are present, you don’t go out of your way to impress the girl, and you will simultaneously be carefree about making bad impressions on people around you. Expression is more important than impression. As soon as she realises that you don’t care if you make mistakes (in contrast to classical pick up theory) she will see that you are fully unstifled. She will know that you have no ego, and are intrinsically of high value because you hold yourself in higher opinion than anyone else. Girls will be attracted to you and other, more stifled guys, will look up to you and buy you drinks.
When present, everything is simplified. As Tim said in Transformations, the only thoughts that will enter your headspace are ‘girl – hot girl – get hot girl’. Natural game is a minimalist discipline. This simplicity of natural game, and the carefree mindsets that drive it, make it a fun way to go about things. You feel good, and if you follow the golden rule of natural game, the girl will feel good.
(By the way, did you ever hear or experience the saying: “time flies when you’re having fun?” Actually, it’s the other way around, you have fun when times flies. You have fun because you are so in the moment that you forget about the abstract notion of time, and in your default, unstifled and outside your-head-state, you feel great. They old saying is true, but the causality is actually inverted.)
When you are present, you will be fully dialed into your empathy, and you will be aware of how people are reacting to you, and very importantly, respond smoothly instead of reacting and losing value.
Remember, you are responsive, not reactive.
While acting freely and unstifled, you will have the presence of mind to change up what you are doing to remain in a unreactive and leading frame, where you are the one who dictates the energies and rhythms of the interaction.
It’s possible that you might act in unstifled ways that offend, annoy or bore others. But, people’s opinions of everything are subjective and they could interpret what you do in any way. If, for any reason, what you do comes off as socially miscalibrated, but still authentic, it will generate a congruence test. This gives you an opportunity to show the girl that you are high value because you are unapologetic (you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks), unreactive and congruent with yourself as a man.
Know that there is no such thing a perfect pick up, as it wouldn’t gel with the girls reality, because people aren’t perfect. You would be more entertaining than you would be high value. Imperfection is authentic. You, acting through your own natural intentions and dealing with whatever repercussions that come up, is authentic. Plus, the notion of perfection is subjective. So, you doing things your own way and dealing with objections to it or miscalibration, confirms the strength of your reality to the girls you are interacting with. Being imperfect and responding in real time, while present, confirms your value as a function of your internal centeredness and makes you attractive.
When present, you are fully tuned into the social matrix, and your responsivity, not reactivity, will give you a social intuition that few others have. This natural view of the social matrix gives you an unclouded view, that people who, harboured by ego, are restricted by. This social intuition will help you to make educated decisions and read situations and people in a way that, egotistically, others would be completely blind to.
All instructors have this social intuition through experience, and it serves to help read situations, and operate with a lot more maneuverability than most other people.
Presence is the key to confidence. We know that it is a man acts with confidence that is attractive to women. For the most part, people achieve confidence through money, status, power, looks and other externally derived feedback. Problem is, though, that if you don’t have these things then you will not have confidence. Even then, if you had money, status, power etc, and then they were taken from you, your confidence would also disappear,
Presence, and living in the moment, gives you confidence because you forget limiting beliefs and socially conditioned indicators of status. You have a clear and pure headspace that puts nothing between you and what you perceive you deserve.
The truth is, confidence is not learnt, earned or achieved.
Confidence is default.
“CONFIDENCE HAPPENS WHEN YOU PERCIEVE THAT NOTHING HOLDS YOU BACK”
Become present, access your confidence.
Behave with no doubt: get girls.
Ask yourself: ‘what stands between me and getting what I want?’
When you pose the question like that, its only bullshit you that you impose on yourself that hold you back from achieving success.
Being present is intrinsically linked to the notion of radiating presence (nimbus). When you are present, you are unreactive to everything, because you are responsive. When you are present, you are the cause, and others around you become the effect. You are unstifled because you impose no limits on yourself. When people say that you have presence, it is because people around you are reacting to you. In traditional non-game speak, guys with presence are thought of as being attractive.
Lastly, being present is being plugged into the world. When you are not present, inside your head or harbouring an ego, you impose a barrier between you and the world. You feel disconnected to the world in the same way that the world will be disconnected to you. When you are present, in the moment, everything flows smoothly, and you connect with the world and can connect emotionally to the girls you interact with.
When you are present, you walk through the world with ease; nothing enters your headspace to hold you back, you feel confident and are unburdened. When you are present you feel great and empowered.
Whatever you feel, she feels.
There is more on presence that I could talk about, but for a fuller understanding read Eckhart Tolle. The few other things that relate to presence will be covered in the self esteem section below, as presence and self esteem are intertwined and linked.
Positive-Dominance (Think of Tim’s ‘woo + intent’)
This behavioural trait has a lot to do with the golden rule of natural game: ‘whatever you feel, she feels’.
Positive-dominant communication styles are actually a result of being fully present. You will find yourself communicating positively-dominantly in situations where you are comfortable with friends and family. This is generally characterised as having a breaking rapport tonality and being in a good state.
To learn to implement positive dominance, do this exercise (Tyler has published versions of this before):
Did it come out as negative and dominant?
Now, clap your hands fast 5 or 6 times to get pumped up, into state and present, before, once again, saying “Oi!”
Now that you’re in the moment, coming from a place of energy and using your natural tonality (which is default breaking rapport if you’re a man), you have just exhibited positive-dominant behaviour.
The thing is, though, that when you are talking to a girl, you will be inclined to put on a special personality to game her. However, if you stay true to your own rhythm, come from a place of energy and draw state from within, you will already be communicating in just the way you need to be in order to be congruent with who you are.
If you see any one of the RSD instructors giving a presentation, they will unconsciously speak with positive-dominance. Youtube RSD guys now to sample it firsthand, or Listen to Tim in this clip.
He speaks with enthusiasm and with a breaking rapport tonality. But, it’s not an effort for him, it’s natural. He is unstifled and, as a result, in alignment with the man he was born to be.
You can also think of positive dominance as “assertiveness with a smile”.
But, it’s not just communication styles, but positive-dominant actions that are attractive as well. As a man, you need to take responsibility for your reality, or someone else will take responsibility for you. Most guys are socially conditioned, and are the opposite of positive-dominant. These guys are passive-pessimistic, and is is your average everyday guy in the club.
Examine the graph below.
These guys are only repressed because of social conditioning. The unstifled you will be operating naturally, and you will freely express yourself positive-dominantly.
All the examples of guys communicating and interacting with women naturally have this commonality. Positive dominance is what all the instructors have in common even though they are vastly different people.
Positive-dominant behaviour, as an expression of the natural self, elicits a very strong response in women in the same way that a woman in her natural state would elicit a very strong response in you as a man.
Tim talks about the four types of guys in the world. It is only the positive-dominant (woo plus intent) guy that is sexworthy. All other types of guys are pretending to be chode and are acting in a stifled and unnatural way. No natural behaviour equates to no natural attraction.
Further evidence for your natural congruence with positive-dominance can be found in examples where you are in a position of positivity and/or dominance.
When you are managing, leading, starting a party, asserting yourself, trusting yourself, when you are light-hearted or when you are challenging yourself, you are displaying positive dominance. When you are in these positions you feel good. It is a fact that, in your natural or default state, you feel good.
When you feel good, the girl feels good.
Interaction dynamics fall into place when you are congruent with yourself fully as a man.
When guys are in state, their behaviour instinctively stems from the right place, and is positive dominant. When guys are out of state, they intentionally do positive-dominant things, to generate their own state, and get into the moment.
There is a lot more to say about positive-dominance (or woo and intent), but it has been said in other blogs, and on Tim’s Flawless Natural product. If there was a magic pill of natural game, this would be it. This is the default mode of behaviour for any natural. To be out of congruence with positive dominance would be unnatural and unattractive.
You simply won’t feel right if you’re not behaving in congruence with your natural tendencies of positive dominance.
If you don’t feel right, the girl won’t feel right.
Once catch to the positive dominant trait is that you have to generate it from within; this takes responsibility. But, once implemented, it’s easy to maintain, as you find a rhythm that you will find others reacting to. It’s the active responsibility of implementation that will set you apart from all the other beta males and gamer chodes, rendering you an alpha male and naturally attractive.
Escalation and Being a Man Of Action.
This behavioural trait is harder to give an accurate name to. When I refer to escalation, I mean that you are a man who communicates himself physically, following your path in life, and you moving with interactions with women.
A rule of thumb is ‘the difference between friendly and flirty is physicality’.
The escalation trait is epitomised by the well known notion of the ‘window of opportunity.’ If you are incongruent with your natural tendencies to escalate as a man, an interaction will quickly go backwards.
On the other hand, if you escalate early, even miscalibrated, it will demonstrate congruence with your natural self. Unless you suffer from a total lack of empathy, physical escalation is a very quick and obvious demonstration of natural game and of being unstifled. Counter intuitively, it is attractive to escalate sooner, rather than later.
As a man it is your responsibility to move things forward. For a girl, to do such things would be slutty, and she would risk rejection. Plus, if you are not the one to lead things forward, it would not give her the chance to give you tests that you can pass and demonstrate the necessary value and congruence that would render you an attractive option to her.
With each positive-dominant behaviour that you exert, that is in alignment with your escalation trait, and with each congruence test that you pass, her level of attraction to you progressively rises like a volume dial. By that same token when you act out of congruence, the dial can go down, or if you fail to escalate things forward, the attraction dial can also reverse downwards.
Away from interactions, it is you moving forward in life as a man that makes you not only attractive to women, but fulfils your own life experience. Men are naturally inspired to explore, take adventures, take risks, progress, expand and build. This is verification of natural alignment, because you feel good when you are doing these things.
When you feel good the girl feels good.
Contrastingly, it can be acutely painful or disheartening to regress, go backwards or find yourself stuck in a position that you cannot move forward from.
Most simply, if you take action you will be attractive. Essentially, if you have more conviction in your actions then the other men around, you will achieve more, and come more into congruence with yourself as a man.
Other facets of escalation are what Tim calls intent, decisiveness and risk taking. The more action you take, the more you grow through experience, ultimately resulting in you becoming internally centered, indifferent and intrinsically higher value.
In a lot of cases, if someone takes action or assumes a leadership role, people will automatically follow, because most socially conditioned people will be used to others taking responsibility for them. If you have ever taken a girl on a date and asked her, ‘what do you want to do,’ the generic answer will almost always be ‘I dunno.’ It’s your job as a man to decide and make things happen; if you don’t, nothing will happen.
A lot of people who study pick up know what to do to get girls. A lot of people who don’t study pick up also could figure out what it might take to get girls. But, at the end of the day, it comes down to their ability to take action and escalate the situation. If the way a women looks is what makes us attracted to her, it the fact that you ACTUALLY TAKE ACTION as a man that will make her attracted to you.
You inspire attractiveness as a man by the actions you take; the more actions you take that are in alignment with your natural self, the more the attraction dial is jacked to and past the critical points.
(NOTE: if you take action that is just plain weird and unnatural, because you are not positive-dominant or not present, you will decrease the attraction dial)
In some extreme cases, guys will get laid even if they have no game and are jerks, arrogant or assholes, simply because they move things forward. Most community guys forget that girls want to be laid by a cool guy. Don’t overcomplicate the process; you need to take every responsibility for her getting laid.
Being fully in alignment naturally with ‘what you are’.
To be 100% present, 100% positive-dominant and 100% a man of action/escalation is to achieve ELITE CONGRUENCE, and this is what makes the guys who are the best with women the best. In basic terms they have manned up in all their glory.
Tim talks about obeying the core. The core is presence, positive-dominance and escalation combined. To disobey the core would be to act against the instincts of the core, and the above listed traits, and would obviously be detrimental to your natural game.
More importantly, though, is that coming into alignment with yourself as a man isn’t a progressive or cumulative process. Actually, it’s a deductive process that requires that you let go of external forces
It requires you to MAN DOWN.
Connotatively, the words MAN DOWN might seem negative, but that’s the idea. Instead of searching externally for something to confirm your-self image as a man, instead look internally at what you are and come into alignment with it.
When you do let go, when you do MAN DOWN, you will find strength, confidence, integrity, self assurance, self esteem, coolness, positivity, dominance, a carefree headspace, and you will feel really fucking good.
When you feel really fucking good the girls will feel really fucking good.
You stop pretending to be a chode by acting out of congruence with what you are, and become egoless. You feel good knowing that all you are is a man.
You cannot escape what you are; the only option is to come into congruence with it.
This is a simple, but very powerful idea.
The fact of the matter is, you are almost genetically identical to every other man in the world. Come into alignment with yourself as a man, in terms of the above behaviour, and everything you do will be COMING FROM THE RIGHT PLACE. When you come from the right place, as if by magic, everything you do will work very well.
So what happens when you are out of congruence with what you naturally are? When you are not your natural self?
You have a chode ego, which suppress your natural and default state of self esteem.
When Chode Ego Suppresses Self Esteem.
To be fully natural, unstifled and not socially conditioned, is to have self esteem, and be in your default state.
With self esteem comes attractiveness.
As you are socially conditioned, you begin to identify yourself in terms of ego and, erroneously derive a sense of self from external sources. Of course, if you define yourself in terms of external factors, your sense of self will disappear if you lose sight of them.
Also, when you identify yourself in terms of external factors, you will always be seeking external validation, and defend against making bad impressions. Overall, you are going to be sucking value from those around you, and butting heads with those who don’t buy into your sense of self. You will distance yourself from people who don’t see you the way you want them to see you, because it will shake your reality and weaken your sense of self.
Imagine, conceptually, that all you have is a physically entity, depicted here simply as a circle.
When you are born this is uncompromised and you have self esteem. There is no reason for self esteem, you are simply born with it, and you come into the world feeling good.
But over time, as you enter into childhood, and early adolescence, you are continually ‘slapped on the hand,’ and disciplined to think and operate in certain ways. You are stifled by the world around you, and taught to think and behave in ways that are conducive to living soundly in society and supporting the economy.
This is unnatural and abstractly defined. During this process, your perception of the physical entity that is your natural self is compromised. When the natural self is compromised, so is your self esteem, and so is your daily state.
If the way you feel about yourself is diminished, the way the girl feels about you will also be diminished.
This is depicted here, where you can see the external forces imposing on you and pushing your self esteem inwards.
While this happens, you begin to look to identify yourself with something to compensate for a lack of natural self. It could be that you identify with being a ‘goth,’ a ‘PUA’, a dentist, a basketball player or even a hippy.
Who and what you are is continually defined, by what you are trying to project, and by what people are projecting onto you. One the one hand, you go out of your way to seek validation in conversations when you meet new people, and simultaneously, stop taking risks because you don’t want to be de-validated.
The ego is depicted here as the outer circle between you and the world. As you can see, you are always pinging with your ego and trying to hold it in place. It is a negative process that puts you in your head.
There are numerous, massive problems with ego in pickup. Firstly, as you can see in the graph, you go through the world stifled and instantly communicate to others that you live in reaction to the world around you. This is reactive, lower value and unattractive.
Secondly, if for whatever reason your ego and falsely projected sense of self is questioned, or proved to be less that you are trying to project, your entire sense of self comes crashing down and you feel terrible, even suicidal.
Once again, this is an abstract concept, but let me use some famous people as an example. Think about it in terms of the ego graphic.
Take Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and Amy Winehouse all as examples of people whose ego based sense of self lead to their downfall.
These examples, with the exception of Paris Hilton, are all people whose profession is entertainer. While they were born and Christened with their names those same names became their brand, like Nike or Apple. They identify, egotistically and erroneously, with their brand because it is one and the same name.
Their brand is their sense of self.
Of course, when they are getting positive external feedback from the world, it massively pumps their ego… they feel great because the world tells them they can feel great. In the cases of these international entertainers, I would imagine the high and fan fare would be like taking drugs of un-comprehendible pleasure. All of a sudden, who they are is the best thing in the world.
But, when that feedback becomes negative, it will constitute their sense of self as well. Who they are becomes a product of what is projected onto them by their critics and the paparazzi. It is publicly documented that the lows that entertainers go through are devastating and push these people to the brink of suicide. Oftentimes, the stars turn to drugs to escape the brutal scrutiny of the media and quickly spiral downwards.
For people who erroneously identify with their ego, who they are is only as good as the feedback they get. Their state, and the way they feel, is a product of what people project onto them. They are always fighting an uphill battle to keep everyone happy.
This could be avoided by not identifying with their name, as a brand, and instead simply identifying with what they are as human beings. In the case of you, the blog reader, that means simple identifying with what you are as a man.
There are a lot of other entertainers in the same position of scrutiny and public profile that do not identify with their feedback, but instead identify with what they are. Their entertaining is for themselves, not for the crowds; expression not impression.
They don’t take the positive feedback or the negative feedback too seriously. Like a guy who knows who he is, he doesn’t value the opinions of others over his opinion of himself. When you talk to a really cool guy and give him props, he won’t be overly enthused by it, because your opinion of him will never hold more weight than his opinion of him; my mentor, Tyler, is a great example of this. Examples of performers in the entertainment world are Robbie Williams and Bono from U2.
In the case of you, the aspiring pick up artist, identifying with feedback is a massive trap that can lead to your downfall, pain, inconsistency and sometimes quitting the game.
When you set out to become a ‘guy who is good with girls,’ you think you are out to learn to become something that you currently are not. To think that you need to learn to be naturally attractive is to deny that you were attractive in the first place. As I said above, learning natural game is a deductive process of surrendering and letting go.
As you start in the game, and begin to get results, you change up the chode ego with the ‘I’m good with girls’ ego; you erroneously derive your sense of self from different forms of feedback you get instead of deriving your sense of self from what you actually are. You go to the clubs and don’t push the interactions forward because you are fatally afraid of de-validation, and when you talk to girls you aren’t out to have fun, you are playing to not lose.
A lot of guys in the game have this experience after some initial good results and experiences. What makes matters worse is once you think you have externally achieved a sense of self, or ego of ‘I’m good with girls,’ when you do actually approach girls all you do is suck value out of them in a quest to confirm that you’re STILL good with girls.
The most dangerous and hazardous downfall of having an ego in the game is your fluctuating state and lack of consistency.
The golden rule of natural game is ‘whatever you feel, she feels’. If you feel bad because you are having a bad night and your sense of self isn’t being validated, you feel absolutely terrible. If you don’t do as well that night as you have done in the past, you hate yourself. The result is girls won’t even talk to you, and consistently blow you out instantly. There is incongruence with how you act, and what you are, and you will find yourself approaching with a weird pick up persona, as opposed to being your natural self.
Like it’s shown in the graphic, conceptually you are only a physical, natural entity. When you identify with anything other than your natural self, it stands in the place of what you naturally are. Your self esteem is suppressed and you probably turn to booze or drugs to escape the feeling of failure and frustration.
If you let yourself identify with external factors, it’s like a fungus that suppresses your natural self or your core. Every behaviour that you implement comes through an ego filter that is tainted of its natural origins, making it unattractive.
When you are socially conditioned and have an externally defined ego, you are part of an intricate social web that keeps you in place with others like you.
If you don’t know who you are, someone else will define it for you, or at least in conjunction with your desired projection of yourself. If you have a weak idea of who you are, you will be easily swayed by someone with a strong reality projecting an identity onto you. With external projection will come a compromise of state and self esteem.
Even if you have a fairly strong sense of self, you are still at the mercy of others projecting onto you. The goal is to have an internally defined sense of self. Only then will you achieve the precious game traits of unreactiveness, centeredness, self esteem, state and very importantly, you will never have negative state.
If you define yourself in terms of ‘what you naturally are,’ as found in the examples of unstifled guys, and in terms of the behavioural traits that the example guys commonly possess (presence, positive dominance, and being a man of action/escalation), you will be perpetually attractive and always in a good state.
You will conquer natural game.
Several things will happen, all of which would be in stark contrast to old socially conditioned chode ego.
You make the transformation from beta male to alpha male
Instead of having the world take responsibility for who and what you are, you do it and you can then empower yourself to become anything you want to be.
Because you are now internally centered, you have the inner strength and self assurance to turn what you perceive into what you project. You can change others perceptions of themselves and their realities, because your self assurance is greater than theirs and they will trust you, because you trust yourself more than they trust themselves.
In your world, you now become the cause and not the effect, you feel in control and you take the reins of your destiny. Self imposed bullshit that used to hold you back no longer exists, because you have come to the realisation that it was all externally imposed and socially conditioned, which your former, weak reality was using to try to make sense of the world.
You achieve integrity because your actions completely line up with who you are. Your actions are all in congruence with the man you were born to be. You are not questioned about the things you do because you have nothing to hide. You don’t give a fuck and you are unapologetic because you have good intentions and intrinsically offer value to the word.
You realise that you are the only common denominator in the world, and that as much as you might try, there is nothing you can do to consistently elicit a predictable response by manipulating the people around you. When you let go of trying to control reactions, you walk through the world with ease; you feel good, you can freely act through your own intentions and people will follow you and look to you for leadership.
You can achieve instant strong rapport with anyone because you are real, whereas so many other people are fake. People indentify with you instantly, because they see themselves in you, and can relate to you simply because you are both people. When you have integrity you don’t need to implement ‘rapport phases,’ as the girl will feel like, and sometimes say to you, that she feels like she has known you for a long time even though you have just met.
When you let go of external constraints and ego based limitations, you feel kind of giddy because you begin to realise your potential. Once you take responsibility for your reality you realise you have great power. Some people have difficulty dealing with such power and squander it away.
Success barriers are a whole other post, but all you have to remember is that your sense of entitlement is proportionate to your taking responsibility.
Let me say that again:
YOUR SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT IS PROPORTINATE TO YOUR TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.
In the same way that if you earn five million dollars you feel entitled to it, value it and keep it. If you didn’t earn it you will feel like you cheated and will ultimately squander or sabotage it. In terms of women, if you manipulate a girl into bed who you think is out of your league, you are likely to sabotage the relationship or even yourself; you don’t feel like you deserve her.
However, if you take responsibility for your reality and internally centre yourself, there is no reason why you don’t deserve the best. In your mind, you realise that the girl will be best with you because you know who you are and can offer more value than any other guy can. You take responsibility and realize that you are doing the right thing for the both of you.
When you take responsibility of your reality, your potential can overwhelm and scare you more than your failures will.
Basically, you become the equivalent to what a model hot girl is to a chode guy, when you come into congruence with what you are. All of a sudden, you get treated a lot better by everyone around you.
The thing is, though, that guys in congruence with what they are as men are a lot rarer than model hot girls. Guys in the world who were born alpha are usually married or have girlfriends pretty early in life, because the girls go crazy over him and pin him down quickly. If you are a student of natural game you find yourself in a reality where, to quote Jeffy, “you have the sex drive of a man, but the options of a woman.”
Even when you do make the shift, and identify simply with what you are, it requires will power and continual action to retain that internal centeredness. Continual action will prevent you from letting external influences seep back in and alter your perception of who and what you are.
Now, know this:
WHO YOU ARE, ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL, IS WHAT YOU ARE. WHAT YOU ARE IS A MAN, AND, AS A MAN, YOU ARE PRESENT, POSITIVIELY DOMINANT AND SOMEONE WHO TAKES ACTION. ANYTHING LESS IS A CHODE EGO.
Look at the two graphs below. The first shows your life cycle from birth, through social conditioning to beta chode, and then going full circle, self actualising and re-aligning with your natural self as a man. As you can see, there are four types of men in the world. Only the sex worthy guy is in alignment with his natural self as a man. You are born that way and you will re-align with your natural self when you learn to drop your ego and find your natural self as a man. It could be called manning down and letting go.
In this second graphic you can see superimposed which of these guys have ego and which have self esteem. To have self esteem is to be natural, and to have an ego is to be unnatural. Being natural is attractive; being unnatural is weird and unattractive.
A strong reality can be derived from one of two ways. One the one hand, it can be strong from continual consistent feedback from the world around you; see Tom Cruise’s character from Vanilla Sky as an example of this. On the other hand, your reality can be strong as a function of knowing what you are and living in congruence with it. The character James Bond is an example of this.
In the first case, when your reality is defined from external feedback, you will always be at the mercy of possible negative feedback should it happen. In Vanilla Sky, when Tom Cruise’s character is injured, and external feedback no longer reinforces his sense of self, he breaks down and freaks out.
But, it is important to note that in his strong reality, prior to the character’s accident, he was attractive because he had a strong sense of self, and people who had lesser realities around him would react to him. He had higher value contextually.
In the case of the James Bond character, in whatever situation he is in, he can define his reality by projecting what he perceives onto the situation. Once again, this is a strong reality, but the causality is different. When you know what you are and live in congruence with it, you have the inner strength and centeredness to define your reality around you on a moment by moment basis. When you live like this, your reality will always be strong and will remain strong, even in changing and unpredictable situations.
Self esteem, and congruence with what you are, as a man, is mandatory pre-requisite for a strong reality. A strong and adaptable reality is essential to core confidence and having people react to you in all situations. When people react to you, you are high value and they experience emotional spikes and arousal when they interact with you.
The real social dynamics instructors, who taught and mentored me, are examples of guys with core confidence and self defined and adaptable realities. Last week, I spent the week in Hawaii with Tim, Tyler, Jeffy and Saad. Watching these guys confirmed everything I am reporting here.
Women also have a very strong reality, but like Tom Cruise’s character in Vanilla Sky, it is derived contextually from external sources. This is why hot women love to go to clubs and be validated; it pumps their state.
In modern times, the higher cognitive brain can supersede emotional impulses and natural tendencies, but for the purpose of this article I will report in terms of women’s natural and emotional tendencies.
Evolutionarily (and only evolutionarily, so as not to be misogynistic, as things are different in this day and age), it was as though women’s value was derived externally as they were dependant on men. If a caveman saw a woman, he would simply fight the other cavemen for the rights to alpha status, before he took her. It didn’t matter what he looked like, all that mattered was that he was the manliest the tribe. Of course, this inspires good genetic evolution.
For cavewomen, it was as though their sense of self was a function of the way the cavemen reacted to them, whereas a caveman’s sense of self was nothing more than what he was and what he did.
For the caveman, it would have been a constant battle and constant implementation of his physical self to survive and replicate. The caveman, who took the most responsibility for his cave reality, would have been the most attractive alpha male (Reference mirror theory from The Blueprint by Tyler from RSD www.theblueprintdecoded.com).
Cavemen were cavewomen’s mirrors. This evolutionary pattern still resides in the human brain today, as a result of evolution, and is stifled and cognitively controlled by our higher cortex brain.
In this day and age, the natural attraction triggers are the same as those evolutionarily derived, and are a result of millions of years of natural selection.
With this in mind, men in congruence with what they are will be attractive to women.
A socially conditioned woman might be one who is busy trying to control everyone or acting bitchy. On a more physiological level, social conditioning for women can result in a severe compromise of self esteem, and sometimes women will eat to compensate for that. Women in bad physical shape are unattractive. In cave-days things like obesity would have been rare, because food was far from abundant.
Importantly, when you come into congruence with what you are, as a man, you will always have the capacity to be intrinsically higher value than women. You can know what you are on your own, whereas (evolutionarily) a women’s sense of self is partly derived by the validation of others.
Interestingly, as a side note, what you are as a man is hormonally a lot more consistent than the hormonal cycle of a woman. Your hormones dictate your natural urges and behaviours. Having a more stable hormonal profile advocates that you should be more centered and stable than a woman is by nature. This is why women are attracted to a man who knows who he is. He becomes a point of stability in her life, and intrinsically higher value in an emotional sense.
(NOTE: again, not to sound misogynistic, but these are the natural evolutionary tendencies of people that can’t be avoided. In this day and age, and with modern people’s cognitive capacities, these natural tendencies can be consciously overcome. But in social, emotional and often drunk situations, people behave in accordance with their natural emotional selves.)
If you know who you are more than the women knows who she is, you will have a stronger reality than her, will be of higher value, and as a result, she will react to you and be aroused by the emotional spikes.
Attraction equals higher value plus the inspiration of a full range of emotions.
The below graphic shows the strength of your reality. You will not have a strong reality, albeit fragile, if it is continually and consistently defined by others (for example the reality of a hot girl). If you don’t know who you are, and struggle to figure out if you trust yourself more than you trust others, you will have a very weak reality and continually react to others.
If you totally understand ‘what you are,’ and you act in congruence with it, then your sense of self cannot be taken away from you. People will always react to you, and you will be fully in alignment with yourself as a man.
You will be very attractive.
The term nurture refers to your physical body’s experience in the world. Your nature is your physical self. Who you are a combination of what you are (Nature) and what you do (Nurture).
A lot of people erroneously think that the things they do in the world constitutes who or what they are. When they make this association and harbour this mindset, they suppress their nature, and their natural self esteem. Naturally, you are simply a man in all of your glory, and to think of yourself other than that is to diminish your natural masculine sense of self.
But, if you make the realisation that the things that you do are just expressions of your natural male self, then you never diminish your natural sense of self, your masculinity, your self esteem or state.
If you see yourself in terms of what you are, combined with what you do, then everything you do comes from a place of congruence with your natural self.
You could be a basketball player, a pick up artist, a doctor or a hippy, but you still retain your natural self, which is naturally attractive. All the things you do are a function of you being a man, and nothing more than a celebration and implementation of what you are.
As a man it is your actions that make you attractive, not your ego. When you identify with what you are, naturally as a man, everything you do is coming from the right place of congruence and masculine strength. You can literally do anything, or be anything, and still be attractive, as long as you are tapping into your masculinity and coming from the right place.
This is where the catch phrase, ‘expression not impression’ comes from. (http://alexattitude.com/?p=22). Everything that you do is generated from a place of abundance and indifference, and is purely an expression of your true self. You are not seeking validation or acting through egoic defense.
You are unstifled, indifferent and higher value, and people react to you more than you react to them.
When you walk through the world as a man who is living in congruence with who you are, you soon realize that you aren’t your achievements, and do not identify with them.
This way, you can do a lot of different things, sample many different experiences and not worry about being tagged or boxed in as being a certain type of person.
Think of it like this:
TAKE CREDIT FOR THE THINGS YOU DO, BUT DON’T IDENTIFY WITH THEM.
Just because you fucked everything up, doesn’t make you a fuck up.
Even if you screwed all the girls from Victoria’s Secret, it doesn’t make you a player.
Take credit and responsibility, sure, but what you do isn’t what you are, it’s merely a function and expression of what you are.
When you are in congruence with what you are, naturally, the things that you do are merely A CELEBRATION OF YOURSELF (see Tim in Transformations).
You can also think of the different things you do as different ways of decorating yourself. (http://naturaltim.com/?p=16). Take,for example, the way you dress or wear your hair. It can take many different forms, but it’s just an expression or a decoration of your physical self.
People ask the RSD guys, “Why do you get dressed in the morning if you don’t give a fuck what anything thinks of you?”
The answer is simple.
Guys who know who they are don’t care how you are received, or about the impression they make on others; they are only interested in what they can control.
This is an expression of their natural self.
Following the model of ‘who you are’, being a combination of what you are and what you do with yourself, you can take on different personalities in different situations, dress differently, transform yourself over and over, but still be attractive. Because, in each situation, the variable of you as a man doesn’t alter. Everything, as different as it may be, will work because it comes from a place of natural male strength.
Tyler talks about dynamic nature of your existence in his blog. (http://realsocialdynamics.blogspot.com/2007/11/dynamic-nature-of-your-existence.html). Who you are, over the course of your life, can take on many forms of expression, but as long as you are congruent with your nature, as a man, it’s all good. If you compromise your natural sense of self, you begin to get headaches, a weakened reality and begin to suck with girls.
Identity, personas, and the different roles you play all come from a place of strength when you know what you are. They are all accurate.
It only ceases to be true if you perceive what you do compensates for what you are.
There are a lot of different men out there, in the world, who are attractive. The commonalities between them are the fact that they are in congruence with what they are as men. But it is there differing experiences in life, which make them unique.
Everyone has a different story, a different sense of humour, different goals and they decorate themselves in different ways, and this is why women can be attracted to different types of men. The thing that makes them attractive is that they don’t identify with that they do. They identify with what they are, they know themselves more than the women knows herself, and as a result, she reacts to him and is aroused by the emotional spike ripples that come from him.
You’re the same as every other man, it is only how you apply yourself, and the way you behave that makes you attractive. To identify with what you have done is to form an ego, and to cease actively behaving in the ways that are congruent to you as a man. You become unattractive because you think you have the game won, purely on your past experiences.
As a man you will feel unfulfilled when you stop taking action, and the women around you will not be attracted to you, because you will seek validation of what you erroneously think you are. You will cease to continue to grow by discontinuing taking actions.
As a student of natural game, seek out the examples of the RSD coaches on DVD, or attend a bootcamp, to learn firsthand from guys who ‘get it.’
Two concepts that Nathan is well known for is ‘being the man you are supposed to be,’ and ‘being your own Guru.’ These are particularly valuable as Nathan is one of the most masculine and alpha guys on the team.
Learn from the coaches what it means to align yourself with your nature.
At some point, once you have come into congruence with what you, it will be time to take the learning ‘baton’ from your coach and ‘be your own Guru’. When you have learnt enough from your master, you then step up and trust yourself to do the right thing when decision contingencies present themselves. You can be your own guru when you are in alignment with the man you are supposed to be; it doesn’t matter what you do, it will work simply because it is coming from the right place.
Leonardo da Vinci said, “poor is the student who does not surpass his master”. What he meant by this is at some point, after you have learned all you can, you need to transcend those who have gone before you, and trust that you can be better because it is you who is doing it.
Profoundly, when my close colleague Ryan made the final transition from student of natural game, to master of natural game, he made a stunning summary that sums up what it means to be who you are.
Ryan said, “It’s not the right action because it’s the correct thing to do in the situation, it’s the correct thing to do because you are the one doing it. I know what to do because I am the game.”
When you know who you are, you will know what to do.
Who you are is a combination of ‘what you are’ and ‘what you do’.
I have figured out what you are, and what it means to be a man, by looking at examples of how men behave when they are not socially conditioned, and have tested this theory with hundreds of students, myself and profiling other instructors over the last two years.
I found that how you behave is what makes you attractive, and when you behave in congruence with your natural self, you behave in attractive ways.
I found that knowing who you are is an essential prerequisite before you can truly satisfy the attraction formula. If you don’t know who you are more than the girls you interact with, your reality will be weak and reactive.
Contrastingly, when you know who you are, you have a strong reality, you are higher value and people react to you.
I learned that you get NIMBUS when you are escalating, acting positively-dominant and are present in the moment..
I learned that who you are is not what you do, and that to identify with what you do, or what is projected onto you, is erroneous and gives you a weak reality.
I learned that when you discontinue to identify with what you do, when external factors don’t contribute to your sense of self, you MAN DOWN and identify with what you are naturally.
I LEARNED THAT WHAT YOU ARE, NATURALLY, CANNOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU!
I LEARNED THAT YOU ARE NOT YOUR ACTIONS. STATE IS A FUNCTION OF YOUR SENSE OF SELF. WHAT YOU ARE CANNOT BE CHANGED AND YOUR STATE CANNOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU!
WHEN YOUR SENSE OF SELF IS WHAT YOU ARE, AND YOU LIVE IN CONGRUENCE WITH WHAT THIS, YOU NEVER HAVE NEGATIVE STATE OR SUPRESSED SELF ESTEEM!
What you identify with what you are, you always feel good about being a man. When you feel good, the girls you interact with feel good!
When you understand who you are, you are always in state. The more you express yourself, the higher state you are in. More state you’re in, the more attractive you are.
Unbreakable state is the key to good natural game. It’s like you can’t not have ten out of ten game.
When you know who you are, you have core confidence because you define your reality.
When you know who you are, you are assertive, because you are congruent with yourself as a man and take responsibility for the situations you are in.
When you know who you are, you are unreactive, because you know who you are more than anyone else knows who they are.
When you know who you are, you offer value because everything you do is simply an expression of your core natural self. You have no ego and you take no value. Just by taking action you offer value to the world.
I learned that by nature, you can’t escape that you are a man, and to try and escape it is to pretend to be a chode. I learned that by nurture, everyone has their own story, and can take any range of interchangeable forms but still be attractive.
I realised that the advice ‘be yourself’ is all you will ever need to be attractive, as long as you know what it means to be yourself. I realised that the reason why love happens when you’re not looking for it is because, when you are being yourself, you are doing all the right things that make you attractive.
You are MANNED DOWN.
I learned that when freed of the burden of ego, EVERY MAN STARTS EQUAL. If you want to be a special snowflake, you have to take action. It’s when you take action that you are attractive. When you know who you are, you don’t take actions to impress others, because you realise it can’t be done. Rather, you take action as an expression of what you are, and to have an enriched experience of life.
Expressive actions are attractive actions.
So, ‘who are you?’
Who you are is a combination of ‘what you are’ and ‘what you do’.
You are a man, and from that physical platform, you realise the potential to achieve whatever you wish.
This is why you CAN’T NOT be attractive.